story of hoennshipping

[kippkipp]

ok you may have sees this on other sites but heres my virsion of the story.

CHAPTER 1

The moving truck bounced around as a 10 year old boy with white hair sat in it.A box fell on his head "OW!"he said irritated.His name was Brenden and he was moving from Johto to Hoenn.When the truck finally stoped he jumped out the back of the truck to see his new home.
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so do ya like it?:)

[kippkipp]

CHAPTER 2

Brenden was a little suprised at how small his new home was.He sighed"Theres a 100 out of 10000 that ill like this place" "Come in dear explore your new house.Your father bought you a new clock,go to your room and set it" she said encouragingly.Brenden went to his room and set his clock to 8:47.Walking down the stairs he heard his mother shout "Brenden!Brenden!"
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[Scary Fan Girl]

I don't want to be mean, but:

1.- You need paragraphs. Lots of them.
2.- You need to know when to separte dialogues.
3.- Spell check.

[kippkipp]

*sweetdrops*i know i havent had much time to work on it

[MondoTR]

Well you should really work on it before posting. Sorry but the two chapters so far should be in one chapter with a lot more added. Also, you're basically just copying the game.

It'd be much better if you made it longer and more original.

[kippkipp]

CRITICISUM AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs awayto faraway island*

[MondoTR]

Constructive criticism, to be exact. Which is a good kind since it helps you improve and that will end up getting more people interested in your fic.

[Arielle]

CRITICISUM AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs awayto faraway island*
You shouldn't be running. You should take their advice seriously and use it to improve. I know it can be hard (I've had my harsh constructive critiscism), but it's the truth, and it will make you a better writer. =)

I bet it would be better if you put your own original ideas in, and if you extended it. You can put more description in, and put some things that hadn't happened in the game. Then it'd be a more interesting read, and you'd get better reviews. ;D

[kippkipp]

You shouldn't be running. You should take their advice seriously and use it to improve. I know it can be hard (I've had my harsh constructive critiscism), but it's the truth, and it will make you a better writer. =)

I bet it would be better if you put your own original ideas in, and if you extended it. You can put more description in, and put some things that hadn't happened in the game. Then it'd be a more interesting read, and you'd get better reviews. ;D

now you got me thinking 8) OW!!!!!MY BRAIN HURTS WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ow

[Umi_Swampert]

>_> I'm sorry to say but if thinking hurts your brain perhaps you're not ready to write. You can just slap down words and call it a story, but most people won't read it if it's spelled wrong, short, and is formatted oddly. Writing takes time, you should put down something and give it a good look-over. Consider what is good about it, and what is bad. If something sounds funny, like it isn't how someone would say it, it's probably wrong. Something like "The store is where I went today" looks fine like that, right? Say it out loud, it sounds a little odd. Most people would say "I went to the store today".

[Scary Fan Girl]

You know. . . after considering this. I decided to close it. 'Cuz you need to start over. ^^;;

Try again.

-closed-