Really Old Fan Fic of mine from a yesr ago.

[DJ Panic]

I'm not sure if i will continue it. I want people to say if i should continue it.


Chapter 1:Enigma Beyond The World
“Wake up Mac!”Mac’s Mother yelled.

“It’s 12:45,time for you to get up”she continued.

Mac, a 16 year old living right on the border of the vast Mt. Battle.

“Oh Mom, do I have too?” Mac yelled back

“Yes! and swift too!” she said.

“Fine fine, I’ll get ready” Mac said

Mac got dressed and started to pace back and forth, wondering what he would say to Prof. Krane.
“Mac, are you ready to go?” Mac’s mother said

“Yeah, I’ll be right over there” Mac said

Bethany, Mac’s mother, a 39 year old married with 2 kids. Her husband, Nathan, a 37 year old that is the Final Gym Leader of Hoenn. He, is the only one who actually got through 98 battles in the large Mt. Battle. He always wanted at least one of his kids to get farther than him and conquer the mountain.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you, call your dad before you go okay?” Bethany said.

“Yeah, I will” Mac said.

Mac dialed his father’s number, but he only got a answering machine.

“Come on” Mac said

“Finally! An answer!” Mac said

“X...D...0...0...1.”the phone said

“Strange, Hey mom, what does XD001 mean?” Mac asked.

“Dear Lord, where did you hear that?” Bethany asked.

“Well, I called dad’s number, and someone answered then something said it” Mac explained.

“Go, Get outside”Bethany ordered.

“Why?” Mac asked
“Just do it!”Bethany yelled.

Mac and Bethany both scurried outside to discover that a dark blue flying Pokemon was hovering in the sky.

To Be Continued.


Chapter 2:Expectations
The enormous dark hovering Pokemon amended south, then left.

“What was that?”Mac asked.
“That was the Evil Shadow Lugia. It only appears when a shadow Pokemon has been snatched.”Bethany said.
“Why weren’t I told of this before?”Mac asked.
“Honey, Dad and I weren’t going to tell you about this because we thought that you would feel sorry for the them”Bethany explained.
“Oh, you could have told me before, then I would have done something about it”Mac said.
“Yeah, but your father is ashamed of himself for that”Bethany said
“For What”Mac asked.
“I mean, when he was your age, he was like you, he was a Trainer. He had purified 69 of 70 Pokemon. His last was the evil shadow Lugia, but he just couldn’t capture him. That’s why it disturbed him to bring it up”Bethany explained.
“Oh” Mac sighed.

*Phone Rings*

“It’s Prof. Krane, She wants you over soon”Bethany said.
“Okay, I’ll get going”Mac said.

Mac put on his shoes and went outdoors to his car.

“I wonder why he couldn’t catch Shadow Lugia”Mac said while looking into the Deep Blue sky.

Mac got into his car and drove off to Prof. Krane’s Lab. Once he got there, he left his car and entered the lab doors. He called for Prof. Krane and she did not answer back.
“Where’s the Professor” Mac wondered out loud.

A loud screeching sound filled the room.

“Look, a Pokeball, I’ll take this just incase”Mac said while picking it up.

Mac exited the lab to find Prof. Krane on top of Shadow Lugia.

“Mac, Thank god you came. That Pokeball, it must contain a Houndoom, Tell it to use Crunch”Prof. Krane yelled.
“Go, Houndoom, use Crunch on Lugia”Mac yelled.

Houndoom used Crunch and Shadow Lugia lowered closer to the ground.

“Tell him again”Prof. Krane yelled
“Okay. Houndoom use Crunch again!”Mac yelled.

Shadow Lugia then dropped Prof. Krane on the Ground and turned North.

“Thanks for saving me”Prof. Krane said.
“Here, you can keep that Houndoom as a token of my appreciation.”She continued.

Mac and Prof. Krane both entered the lab.

“Many trainers, most younger than you, take their needs here. You on the other hand I am fond of, Considering you saved my life “she said.
“I want you to have this egg and these two Pokemon.”She said.
“Go ahead, let ‘em out.”she continued.

Mac released the 2 Pokemon from inside of their Pokeballs.

“Lar Lar” Larvitar sighed
“Bag Bag”Bagon sighed.
“Wow, a Larvitar and a Bagon!” Mac said in excitement.
“What is the egg for”Mac asked.
“That egg is the most important Pokemon on your team. It will take a fierce trainer to hatch it”she explained.
“Take this Pokedex and Pokeballs too”she continued.
“The Pokedex shows the Moves, Stats, Stats, Level of a Pokemon, It will come in great handy on your adventures. It also records all Pokemon you catch, so since you have a Houndoom, Larvitar and Bagon, look them up in there.

“Houndoom, The Dark Pokemon. If you are burned by its flame, the pain from it will never subside. When other Pokemon hear it’s cry, they shiver and go back into their nests. It flame it shoots out is a result of toxins burning in its body. In a pack, the one with horns raked sharply to the back has the lead role. It is decided by fighting among themselves.”the Pokedex said.
“Houndoom Lv.30, Hp:75, Attack:90, Defense:50, Sp. Attack:110, Sp. Defence:80, Speed:90.
Moveset: Crunch, Will-o-Wisp, Flamethrower, Shadow Ball.”The Pokedex concluded.

“See?”Prof. Krane said.
“Yeah, Thanks”Mac said.

Mac exited the lab, entered his car, and drove home.

To Be continued.

Chapter 3-Dad's Mistake.
Once home, Mac exited his car and went inside his home.

“Hey, Mom!”Mac yelled, “I got three new Pokemon, a Highly upgraded Pokedex that talks, 5 Pokeballs, and a Shadow Pokemon Egg”
“Dear Lord”Bethany said.
“What?”Mac asked her.
“A shadow Pokemon egg? Can I hold it?”She asked.
“Yes, and uh, No”Mac answered back.
“Dad’s first Shadow Pokemon was a Cyndaquil, If that happens tp hatch into a Cyndaquil, I’ll freak out”Bethany said.
“Okay”Mac replied.
“By the Way, Mac, can I see your new Pokemon?”She asked.
“Sure. Come on out Guys”Mac said while releasing his Pokemon.
“Roar”his Houndoom barked.
“B-a-g-o-n”Bagon sighed.
“Lar Lar”Larvitar sighed as well.
“Those are some cool Pokemon. Be sure to take care of them”Bethany said.
“I will”Mac said while calling them back.
“Honey, do you want to know the story of Dad’s Life?”She asked Mac.
“Okay, But is it long”Mac asked back.
“Sort of”She answered.
“Okay, fine”Mac said.
“Dad had a grim life. His first Pokemon was a Surskit. He cherished that Surskit until she evolved. Once she Evolved, he started to do some bitter training for a Masquerain. He had a complete team in about 2 months. Every one of Pokemon were evolved and strong as ever. He had completed 50 battles in the Mountain in 3 Weeks. Boy was he strong, he triumphed over every trainer he battled. His team happened to be Masquerain, Glalie, Typhlosion, Umbreon, Tentacruel, and Absol. Absol was his favorite Pokemon was his Absol. Do you like Absol?”She asked Mac.
“What does it look like”Mac asked back.
“Go to the kitchen counter and look on the wall”Bethany answered.

Mac got up and went to the kitchen. He went over to the counter and looked at the portrait on the wall.

“That’s an Absol?”Mac asked, “It looks as if it could pop right out of the picture frame. Did Dad draw that”Mac asked.
“Yes, That is an Absol, and Yes, he did draw that. All of his favorite drawings are hung around the house. Some are even at his gym”Bethany explained.
“Back to dad’s life now”Bethany said.
“Dad had purified 20 Pokemon in a month. Which was amazing because most trainers could only purify about 5 in a month. But then again,, it was your father that had did it. That’s just about when he met me. He out everything on hold for me. Someone asked him for a battle, he declined it just for me. We dated for a while until he wanted to battle again. I let him continue, only if he saves time for me. Which he did of course. He started purifying more Pokemon until he had 69 of 70 Pokemon. His last, Shadow Lugia, was extremely hard to catch. He did everything to catch him. He just couldn’t capture him. Then he thought “I have a masterball, why aren’t using it”.
The next day he found Shadow Lugia, hovering above the lake. Once he through the Masterball, things only got worse. He through the Masterball towards him, but alas, Shadow Lugia hit the Masterball with its’ wing and knocked it into the lake, never to be found again”Bethany said.
“Wow, I didn’t know that happened”Mac said.
“Well, now you know”Bethany said.
“Oh, I forgot to mention, every Friday, Absol and other rare Pokemon gather into the woods waiting to be caught.”She said.
“But tonight is Friday”Mac said.
“Exactly”Bethany replied.
“You better get going if your going to try and get some new Pokemon”Bethany said.

Mac went out to his car and drove over to the nearest woods. It was 11:00p.m once he got there. Mac left his car, caring every Pokeball he had on his belt.

“Whoa, what was that?”Mac asked his Pokedex.
“Poochyena”The Pokedex said.
“Should I catch it?”Mac asked.
“No, There would be no point considering Houndoom is already a Dark type, and Larvitar’s
final evolution is a Dark type. Plus, Bagon can learn Crunch, a Dark type move”The Pokedex said.
“It’s cold outside now”Mac said while shivering.
“Sneasel”The Pokedex said.
“Should I catch him?”Mac asked.
“Her, It would be handy once you get going, but again, another Dark Type”The Pokedex said.
“Ee Ee” sighed a Pokemon.
“Which one is that?”Mac asked.
“Eevee, the Pokemon with 5 Evolutions, each one varies”The Pokedex said.
“What are it’s evo’s now?”Mac asked.
“Espeon, Umbreon, Vaporeon, Flareon, and Jolteon”The Pokedex said.
“But what’s wrong with this one?”Mac asked, “It looks nothing like the Picture your giving me”
“Is it perhaps white?”The Pokedex asked.
“Yes, yes it is”Mac said.
“Then it’s in shiny form, there is a 1/8192 chance of finding one in shiny form”The Pokedex explained.
“Should I catch it?”Mac asked.
“I would suggest it”The Pokedex said.
“I’m going to catch it and evolve it”Mac said.
“Go Larvitar use-”Mac subsided.
“Bite, Rage, Leer”The Pokedex said.
“Use Bite”Mac ordered

Larvitar used Bite, causing a massive amount of damage on Eevee.

“Should I tell Larvitar to use Bite again, or should I just throw the Pokeball?”Mac asked.
“Throw the Pokeball”The Pokedex said.
“Go Pokeball, catch that Eevee”Mac yelled.

The Pokeball flew over above the Eevee. Captured him inside. Shook Once, Twice, Three Times.

“Yes, I got it”Mac said.
“Eevee, Male, Lv.6”The Pokedex said.
“It’s past 12”Mac said.
“There goes an Absol”The Pokdex said.
“Go Eevee, use Take Down”Mac ordered.
“Again”Mac said.

Two Take Down’s in a row cause a lot of Recoil Damage. Absol was left with no real damage.

“Come back Eevee, go Bagon, user your Dragonbreath”Mac said.

The Dragonbreath left an enormous amount of Damage to the Absol.

“Okay, Come back, go Pokeball”Mac said.

The Pokeball flew into the air, above the Absol, capturing him into the Pokeball. The Pokeball shook once, twice, Broke out.

“Damn, Go Pokeball”Mac said.

This Pokeball was different, Mac didn’t need to throw it, it flew over to the Absol by itself, and captured him. The Pokeball shook once, twice, three times. Caught

“Yes, I caught that Absol”Mac said.
“Absol, Male, Lv.9”The Pokedex said.

Mac was overjoyed. He started to jump up and down silently until he heard a rustling noise in the bushes.

“Hey, Pokedex, what Pokemon is making all the noise in those Bushes over there”Mac asked the Pokedex after he had calmed down.
“That isn’t a Pokemon”The Pokedex said.
“What is it”Mac asked.
“It’s a Trainer”The Pokedex said.

To Be Continued


So if you like it, say so.

[Novacaine]

I won't be able to read over the whole thing and help you correct it in one shot, but I'll finish it whenever I can. Here's what I got for now:



“Yes! and swift too!” she said.
I see you were trying to substitute something for fast, but be careful and don’t overdo it. Sometimes, like in this case, the substituted word doesn’t fit/sound right. Especially when someone’s speaking. When someone’s speaking, try to incorporate their personality into their words. Would she take the time to say: “quickly, get ready,” or just say “hurry up?” Think about that when writing.


“Why weren’t I told of this before?”Mac asked.
Be careful with contractions. When you say it out loud, and it doesn’t sound right, put in the both words that make up the contraction and see if it sounds right. Here, you’re getting Mac to say: “Why were not I told of this before?”
That’s grammatically wrong. It should be: “Why wasn’t I told of this before?” See how that sounds better? Usually you can say things out and if it’s wrong, it won’t sound right.


“Honey, Dad and I weren’t going to tell you about this because we thought that you would feel sorry for the them”Bethany explained.
Just take out the underlined word. If it's not a typo, then be careful not to repeat words, or add excess ones in.

“What was that?” Mac asked.
“That was the Evil Shadow Lugia. It only appears when a shadow Pokèmon has been snatched.” Bethany said.
When typing up a story, you have got the right idea by pressing enter/return, but it makes it easier for readers if you hit enter/return twice when someone’s speaking, or when two or more people are talking. Also, put a space between the quotation marks and the sentences that come before and after the spoken words.


*Phone Rings*
Okay, here, instead of using that, try to put a little more detail in it. Try something like this:
“Bethany heard a ring come from her purse. Recognizing it as her ring tone, she picked up her phone and answered it.”
Nothing to elaborate and over the top, but just enough to let the reader know what happened.


“It’s Prof. Krane, She wants you over soon”Bethany said.
“Okay, I’ll get going”Mac said.
When showing that people are talking, sometimes it is best to use said or something along those lines, but try not to use it all the time. Try using the word tone, or vocals, or even other simple words like exclaimed, whispered, explained, ect. (i.e.: “It’s Prof. Krane, she wants you over soon.” Bethany told her son with a wavering tone that hinted both fear and concern.)


“Where’s the Professor” Mac wondered out loud.
I notice that when you make them talk, you don’t put the proper punctuation inside the quotation. When someone is done talking, you put the proper punctuation after their spoken words, but still inside the quotation mark like so: “Where’s the Professor?” Mac wondered aloud. It’s okay if the sentence following the spoken words sounds a little odd.


“Look, a Pokeball, I’ll take this just incase”Mac said while picking it up.
See, this is why there needs to be punctuation inside the quotation. Here, it sounded like he couldn’t care less about the pokèball, even though he’s taking it. If you put an exclamation point inside the quotation, it’ll sound like he’s glad there’s one there.


Shadow Lugia then dropped Prof. Krane on the Ground and turned North.
Why did it drop Professor Krane?

“The Pokedex shows the Moves, Stats, Stats, Level of a Pokemon, It will come in great handy on your adventures. It also records all Pokemon you catch, so since you have a Houndoom, Larvitar and Bagon, look them up in there.
Delete the underlined word.


and a Shadow Pokemon Egg”
When did the Professor say it was a shadow egg?


“Yes, and uh, No”Mac answered back.
Yes and no? Why did he say no?


Absol was his favorite Pokemon was his Absol.
xD I like this sentence. But really, make sure you watch what you type, and don't repeat anything.


[QOUTE]“Honey, do you want to know the story of Dad’s Life?”She asked Mac.[/QUOTE]
o_0; Wtf? I mean..why did she say that? Delve more into their personal thoughts and tell us why she wanted to suddenly tell Mac about his dad's life.


“I have a masterball, why aren’t using it”.
The next day he found Shadow Lugia, hovering above the lake. Once he through the Masterball, things only got worse. He through the Masterball towards him, but alas, Shadow Lugia hit the Masterball with its’ wing and knocked it into the lake, never to be found again”Bethany said.
Insert an 'I' between aren't and using. Also, get rid of the period and put a question mark inside the quotation mark. punctuation before quotation. The underlined words are wrong. It's a common mistake, so it's understandable. The proper word is threw. Also, finding the Lugia the next day is a bit to easy. Try and make things more complicated. Sometimes complication adds interest.